Don't stand to close to the water.

Sooner or later; it had to come; the true encounter with my feelings.
I saw the light. Or better, I encountered myself drunk and heartbroken in the water. I lost my balance; I fell. And I fell hard. I did not even fell directly into the water; something thought it would be funny if first I would slam against the side of a boat. Metaphorically speaking of course.

I saw my life flashing before my eyes and felt the cold water touch my skin. How did it come this far? For just a second, I wasn't planning on swimming. Just a second, I gave up. My Birkenstocks still on my feet, keys in my pocket and phone no where to be found. First things first.
Get out of the water Alys. Trying to climb on a boat wasn't paying off. In the distance I saw white stairs against the side of the wall. All I could think and feel were pain and cold. There must have been an angel on my shoulder I remember thinking.
Further down the street, in the middle of it, I saw a red light blinking. I walked towards it, and there it was..my phone. Unharmed, waiting for me. It was so cold. I was so close, so I called. But the angel on my shoulder wasn't there anymore. In my effort walking to the main road I fainted. Explaining the gigantic bump on my head. I remember a homeless man trying to get me up, asking people passing by for help. Nothing. I was so close. Nothing. Now I am at peace. At least I did not give up. Giving up on something I believe in ain’t my style. Good news for me though. I stopped believing. All the love I had turned into hate. A hate so deep, Lucifer himself would be petrified.

Having to have done bad things, does not make me a bad person. Having to have done nothing when you could have done something, is what makes you an empty person. Yes I encountered myself. In the name of love, or something that seemed like it, I have done some fucked up shit. This being the worst of all. It hurts as a mofo. I am a shamed of being as weak as I was. I had stored all my anger and pain deep inside. I laughed when nothing was funny, I smiled when nothing was good and I changed when it wasn’t worth to be different. Nobody who knew. Nobody who noticed. Nobody who cared. But at least I know now. Now I know. You come alone, you die alone. In the mean while, we hope to live side by side with the people genuinely loving and caring for us.