vrijdag 19 oktober 2012

Expressions of Anger presents: Horror Nights

Halloween is peeking around the corner, but in stead of fearing creepy crawlers,-or better said- creeps and crawlers, I am having certain horror nights of my own. Days and nights without sex are undescribably horrific. I can't sleep, I am losing my focus and my grip on reality and I wake up in the middle of the night with hands in places without me realizing it!

Two months since the relationship between me and my horrific -"I have to shave even though I can't grow a full beard, leaving you with your shit and shit we both did, fading hairline, brother of, balls loving"-ex came to a well deserved end after eleven months of pure joy and happiness with additional stress, trauma and lack of relationships of the flesh. Probably the biggest reason why I am still living the celibate life after one and a half month..the lack of dick: the longest period without dick since I was 16.

Maybe he planned it like this; "imma be nice to you bitch and not let you go cold turkey"... He is such a sweetypie.

In the mean time my fears are becoming a reality; I don't know how to flirt anymore, I keep thinking about my -"stop drinking, don't talk about doodoo, don't listen to what my family says about my ex, you're friends are sluts, is it 9? I thought you said 7"-ex and my va-jay-jay keeps making a wet, squshy sound, forcing me to wear panty hoses (not tights, that doesn't sound sexy) so that you/I hear/notice it less.

In other words; I'm screwed without the pure luck and joy of actually being screwed. Well, at least I'm not being screwed over (counting blessings instead of adding up failures).

I mean I'm not the easiest woman to live with: I bitch, nag, feel horny all the time, talk loud, can be extremely obnoxious, poop and fart, love attention and I am a sucker for surprises (unless it is dumping me). So I am totally different from ALL other female specimens. And this is why I am not getting any. Not getting any. Any at all. At all...

Maybe I should think of this as revitalising the bond between God and me. *meditates*

Bitch please, I have my flaws, but I do deserve some. This officially is the first guy ever I broke up with and haven't had sex with afterwards (not my choice but okay, uhm..he was very, VERY young anyway).

I have had 'relationships' before, officially four, of which one doesn't count for the sexual part seeing as during the relationship we never had sex. He could have been the first but ended up as nummer five (don't know how I managed that but an applause is in order); and thereby it was a complete waste of minutes. The actual first one dumped me after three months because he was fucking his best friend (read; the Chinese whore). The second; biggest mistake ever was leaving (even though he cheated and I cheated; cheating is something you wouldn't want the other person to do as well). The third; biggest mistake was starting, but damn he sure could finish (older guy, you know the drill)giant sack of manipulative pig shit. The fourth recently decided that he likes balls more than he likes vagina. …In between I had some fucked up situations.

So let's take a look at the current score;

- Sexual and serious relationships, 3.
- One time only curiosity, 1.
- Fun situation, 1.
- Crappy situation, 1.
- Fun situation turning into crappy situation, 1.
- Meaningless, killing time situation, 1.&
- Mister Right, 0. (even though I had put all faith in the last boyfriend)

Meaning a grande total of 9 (read; nine). Almost hitting those double digits and I am wondering if I get a bonus when I hit it... Maybe a magic beautiful golden dick will appear and sweep me off my feet..wasting no time and no boner, while carefully yet determined penetrating me while we reach the climax.

Ha! One can only dream.. But for now I will be okay living the celibate life, redefining my life's purpose, finding myself, getting out of a crappy personal situation and being motherf*cking LEGEN-wait for it-.....................DARY!

Double digits: BEWARE! I'm almost there *sings*

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