Why people laugh when hurt..

I remember when  I was younger, my bunny Likkie passed away after he had escaped from his cage which my dad made from an old kitchen (it was a giant bunny) and was attacked by a cat. I cried because I knew he was gone, and it hurted. The next day when I went to (elementary) school and told the children in my class that my bunny died, I smiled and laughed. I did not see the problem, even if they were staring at me with big bugeyes. A few months later the bunny of a friend of mine passed away as well; we cried. Then we went off to inform her older sister that their beloved bunny died. It didn’t really go as intended; while telling her that her bunny died, we started smiling…laughing even! The sister got so pissed, cried and asked why we were laughing. We didn’t know, we answered her with: “we already cried, do we have to cry again?”

A few years ago someone I loved dearly like a second mother passed away. She had left three great, fantastic children behind. The youngest one was about three at the time. A few days after she had passed, the grief was still overwhelming, and nobody stopped crying. Except for the youngest son, -ofcourse he had his moments and was deeply hurt-, but he said something that I will never forget. “Waarom huilen jullie nog? Mama is nu toch bij de sterren? ” meaning “Why are you still crying? Mommy is with the stars now right?”

My breath choked. Was he right? Could he be right?

Today I told some girlfriends of mine about a weird girl who got pregnant and ‘had to get rid of it’, I unintended laughed real hard; but inside I could die. But I had already cried so much about my grief, that my mind and heart slipped into self-defense without me wanting or asking for it. It is unbelievable how the human body and mind works.

What is that thing that we lose or gain throughout the years which makes us grief and mourn longer? Is it a self-defense mechanism of the body and mind to protect children from emotions they cannot yet handle? Or is it that throughout the years we go through such an enormous emotional growth that we enable ourselves to feel more? For better or worse? For those worth it, and those not worthy of it.

I finally started smiling after crying for weeks. Now I know; I will be just fine.

"All the crying. All the phone calls. All the hate. Do not flatter yourself by thinking all the tears were for you. You giant sack of heartless shit."